The Snow's Falling Down, It Gets Colder Day by Day

Thank you, Chrissie, for another blog title.

Here in Northeast Ohio we've been hit this week by what used to be called blizzards and is now called "Lake Effect" weather. I was listening to the radio and the dj said, rather wistfully, that "Lake Effect" are not words that anyone is ever really happy to hear, and I would concur with that.

I think the change in terminology has a sound economic basis. A blizzard is a good excuse to stay home, lake effect weather just means drive slow and take the 4wd if you have one.

My mother, with her morbid sense of beauty, is always raving about how beautiful the snow is, and I cannot honestly say that the snow is ugly, especially if I've been well-insulated with some Zinfandel (red, bien sur) and some Pretenders, and if only I could figure out how to use the fireplace, I could almost get fond of freezing to death. However, my personal preference is for sunshine.

People always comment in the spring on how much weight I've lost, and I've given up trying to explain that my weight hasn't changed significantly in 20 years, it's just the five layers of clothing that make me look what my ex-boyfriend Alessandro called a "Bagonghi." I don't think Bagonghi is a real word, he just made it up, it kind of means what as kids we would have termed 'a big fatso'. I would like to get some of those Hello My Name is stickers and write, Hello My Name is NOT Bagonghi. I just play one on TV.

The other night I was driving home from my martial arts class in the Duchess of Fat, which I foolishly took because a) I love that car and b) it has a kick-ass stereo, and it was total white knuckle time. The forty-minute trip took me an hour and a half, and I didn't even have time to contemplate, Why the fuck do I live in Ohio? because I was too busy being terrified. I started out on the freeway, which was terrifying, and then I got off on Rt. 303, a two-lane highway which was, of course, a rollercoaster. I don't think I breathed the whole way. Luckily, the guy behind me was not one of those people who think 20 mph is too slow in a blizzard and crawl up your ass, which is one of my fifty thousand pettest peeves. There was a truck jacknifed on the road, and it just made me realize what an idiot I'd been to leave the house.

Luckily, the same God that invented Lake Effect Weather also invented beer, which is the number one holistic treatment for post-blizzard stress disorder. I've driven in some pretty crappy weather, but I'd say Monday night was quite possibly the crappiest. Needless to say, the Duchess of Fat is now firmly ensconced in the garage, where she intends to stay until we get some halfway decent weather.

And speaking of weather, I would like to say hello to my Follower, an expert on Libras, giant American cars, and crappy weather. I must say that having a Follower is indeed a heady feeling. I now have to suppress the urge to go out and take over the world in an evil dictatorship in which everyone will be forced to drive Buicks and not throw their weights or grunt at the gym. Power, friends, is a dangerous thing, or a sexy thing, if you read Foucault, but don't read Foucault.