Elections? What Elections?

I have recently been informed that it is my civic duty to inform the American people as to what the heck just happened. And since I did not fulfill my other civic duty, i.e., to vote, because it was just too annoying, I thought I would go with Civic Duty Number 2.

So here's the deal. Everybody I've spoken with in my unofficial survey, which includes the heating and cooling guys and some people at the grocery store, is overwhelmed by apathy. Even my Mom doesn't really care that a Republican lost and let me tell you, that is a first. Right now we are experiencing a state of "suspended animation", meaning that when we drive by the gas station, we slow down and look hard at the prices, which is what we, the American people, care about.

The truth is, the Republicans never really thought they'd lose, and the Democrats never really thought they'd win. And so now everybody is like, "uh....." and looking at each other sidelong and wondering whether to pretend they care.

The answer is: nah. Don't waste your energy. These elections don't matter. Or, does anybody out there really believe that Barack is gonna save the polar bears? (which is, as far as I can see, the only issue worth getting upset about. Has anybody seen those videos of polar bears adrift on broken off bits of glacier? I have).

This country is a monarchy with delusions of democracy. We worship the Almighty Dollar and Bill Gates is the Word made Flesh in economic terms, the direct manifestation of the Divine. Therefore, we are just like England, in that we have a monarch (Gates), and a puppet leader (Your Candidate's Name Here), except we don't have Prince Charles for comic relief.

So no, the elections don't matter, as long as our Fearless Leader Gates can screw up my hotmail account with complete impunity and I can't even get into my inbox now thanks to his "updates" and my computer, which used to be Speedy Gonzales, now proceeds at the pace of a drugged snail because of said updates.

Just think about it. This country is a service-based economy, and service means "computers" and computers mean "Microsoft." Therefore, we live in an economic dictatorship, and if anybody says the words "Open Office" to me (which chubby computer geeks always do) I will indeed start screaming so please don't, because Open Office sucks. Meaning there are no alternatives to Microsoft meaning that I do not personally care who won the elections except that, like everybody else in America, I am relieved that there is no risk of this once-proud nation being represented by Sarah Frickin' Palin. I mean, hey John McCain, why ask Sarah Palin to do the job when Daffy Duck was available?